Valentine’s Day is for the Hard of Hearing

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I really hate Valentine’s Day.
Even when I am in a relationship, I hate it.
The cheap chocolates,
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The tacky red and pink hearts everywhere,
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The way restaurants, spas and hotels deliberately boost their prices that week and the way my local wine outlet mysteriously has no sales going on that week.
I find the whole thing to be contrived and another stupid scam to convince people to buy stuff they don’t really need in order to “show someone you care.”
And to the Corporate Man behind all this, I say, “Fuck you.”
Seriously, you know how you show someone you care?
First of all, it’s not just about February 14th. It’s not a date on the calendar. It’s a state of mind.
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It’s not by buying cheap heart-shaped Hershey chocolates wrapped in red tin foil.
It’s by just being a friend and being present for them when they need you.
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It’s by taking him out for a few rounds of pool when you know he’s had a bad day and not badger him with questions until he’s ready to talk about it.
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It’s by secretly sowing seeds for wild violets all over the yard so come springtime, she’s in for a surprise. Why? Because she mentioned that violets are her favorite flower while you both were on a weekend drive last summer.
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It’s not by buying some generic cookie-cutter diamond ring. It’s by boning up on Art Nouveau/Art Deco because you found “Art Nouveau/Art Deco Jewelry” one day on your Google search bar.
It’s by wishing him an awesome time if he decides to go to the pro-sports game with his buddies, even if you hate pro-sports yourself.
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In short, it’s about PAYING ATTENTION AND LISTENING.
That’s how you show someone you care. Seriously, the biggest turn-off there is, is being with someone who isn’t paying any attention to you, doesn’t really hear anything you say because they’re too involved in themselves and too busy listening to the internal dialogue going on in their own minds and too busy figuring out what they want without a moment’s consideration of what you may really want or need. I think people forget relationships are two-lane roads.
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It’s not just Valentine’s Day either. It’s dating and relationships in general as well.
Even if you’re not interested, there are people who can’t seem to pick up a clue. I’ve tried online dating in the past with mixed results. The biggest problem is that (and I’m writing from a female perspective) men don’t really read profiles. They look at pictures, think you’re half-decent looking and send mini messages like “Hi” and clearly did not demonstrate that they even remotely paid any attention whatsoever to what you wrote.
You can write “No kids” and a balding divorcee saddled in alimony debt with three kids suddenly pops on your screen. (If he doesn’t pay any attention to what you wrote on your online profile, do you really think he’s going to pay any genuine attention to you in real life?….)
This video has  many examples of this type of self-delusion or one-way hearing:
 
Even if you do decide to take the risk and meet someone for coffee, they still don’t get it. One time I met someone and it was pretty clear from my profile I’m not into “Casual Encounters”. We met for coffee for a quick 30 minute meet’n greet to suss each other out, found out we had a lot in common, nice guy, pretty good-looking, interesting but no personal chemistry whatsoever but I could see this person becoming a friend. We exchanged a couple of emails sharing information based on the topics we talked about when we met, mostly about music. There was no discussion of anything even remotely intimate or physical.
Not even three days later, I suddenly get a phone call AND a text message at 2:38am. I had my ringer off because I actually have a job I have to go to and need to wake up early for so I slept right through it but in the morning when I saw the messages, it was fairly obvious dude expected a late-night booty call. He tried calling first and since I didn’t answer, he then sent a text message asking “to make plans” for the next evening.
Really?
At 2:38am?
In the middle of the week?
Can’t “making plans for the next evening” wait until the morning?
Clearly not.
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This is what I mean about not listening properly.
Dude did not “hear” that that there was no chemistry on my side.
Dude was too involved with his hormones to really understand that not everyone is on the same page as he is.
Dude just naturally assumed that because he wanted something from me, I would therefore just as naturally and automatically want the same thing from him too and that just wasn’t the case. He assumed too much and he blew it. We could have been friends. Who knows? Maybe he would have gotten that booty call later on if the friendship eventually caught on fire in the fullness of time. We’ll never know and I don’t care.
That’s one thing I love about getting older, you start seeing through people much better and much faster.
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Which is why I think Valentine’s Day is a formulaic shortcut for lazies who normally can’t even be bothered.
This Valentine’s Day, I’m going for a session of ear candling, to improve my hearing.
I wish more people would do the same.
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Categories: Pop culture, Raise your EQ, This is why the planet is screwed up | Tags: , , , | 20 Comments

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20 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day is for the Hard of Hearing

  1. Cesare

    Maybe he felt some chemistry, can you blame him for trying? Although 2:30am is rude as hell even if you both felt something. I know there’s a fair amount of women who still demand that the guy do all the planning and asking out, even if the woman is totally into him. But then again I live in backwards moronic AZ, USA, where feminism is still considered an insult.

    Awesome post!!

  2. Bucho

    Yeah, it is just a corporatized holiday. Corporate in that they (the powers that be) generate sales for themselves. The story of “who was St. Valentine” is as convoluted as the Christian mythology from which it stems. Like other mythologies, they have been turned into shopping days that are artificially burdened onto the masses, in that “if you don’t buy this, they will hate you.” As Don Draper once said (in a mythology I prefer over the others): “I create want.” He and his ilk succeed on Valentine’s Day.

    Thanks for your posts….

    Peace out.

  3. kezalu

    I remember one Valentine’s Day I said to my ‘significant other’ not to buy me anything or send a card because it’s so commercialised and a waste of money. So he didn’t. And I was really pissed off. These days I kind of feel sorry for those who are standing in line buying flowers and chocolates etc. The pressure is that if they don’t do anything for their loved one on this day, then they’re going to have to suffer for it later. Doesn’t sound much like love, does it.

    • Wait. You told your ex that you didn’t want anything for St.Val’s day – so he didn’t buy you anything. Then you get mad at him for not getting you anything for St.Val’s Day?

  4. This is what I mean about Valentine’s Day being a state of mind over a particular calendar date.
    If that kind of consideration, empathy and communication is there regularly within the relationship, then Feb.14th becomes meaningless., that you really don’t have to show up on that ONE DAY with these artificial gifts and synthetic tokens of appreciation.
    I’ve always said that you can see and hear a lot more the longer you keep your mouth shut. Likewise, the longer you can shut off that “Me-me-me” troll inside of each of us, the more you can get outside of yourself and pick up about what the other person needs.
    This should also be reciprocated.

  5. A few things:

    1. You can’t blame everything on capitalism and the way everything is inflated to the point of mindless consumerism (or you can, but I digress).

    2. Hey don’t get mad at us guys for at least trying to make the relationship work on St.Val’s day – it’s all that we can muster when we’re too busy prepping ourselves for our special lady the rest of the year.

    3. I don’t know about you, but from a guy’s perspective – a relationship IS a minefield! Some of us are better at getting blasted than others though – so to every man his own.

    4. As for internet dating, hey don’t blame a brother for casting his line in multiple different directions. It’s called being opportunistic – loose morals aside though, there’s a site that I know of that you might like.

    5. Yes, looks do matter. (but you knew that already…)

    6. I’m sorry you had that “coffee guy” experience – I guess he was thick headed in all the wrong places. But yes, at least he tried – and failed. But at least he tried – and that’s all that matters in my book.

    • Hey F&FD,
      To your points:

      1) Unfortunately capitalism has a strange way of reducing everything it touches into mindless consumerism.

      2) I don’t see anything wrong with guys trying to make relationships work for St. Val’s, I just object to the “one-size-fits-all” formulaic approach as opposed to say something which is much more personalized, unique and shows that some genuine thought was put in.

      3) Agreed

      4) What’s the name of that site you know?

      5) Agreed but even if I see a dating profile of an impossibly tasty looking guy who can pass for Benedict Cumberbatch, if I read his profile and it says something like “Owner of 10 guns, Republican, Conservative, likes Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, favourite bands include Dave Mathews Band and Creed”, you can bet I’m gonna press “Next” and wouldn’t even consider contacting them.

      6) I believe in effective “targeted trying”, not “Spray and pray” as one of my friends put it.

  6. Heather

    Love your taste in men 😉 !

  7. strident feminist

    What’s wrong about liking Dave Mathews Band?

  8. Dee JV

    How much is Sangria in Canada? Don’t remember, cause the last time I was in Toronto I was diggin wheat beer and it cost about $5.00 a mug and thats what I’m sending for your glass of Sangria. Enjoy & Thanx for this post. Peace.

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