Posts Tagged With: Relationships

The Business of Love

Now, I’m going to tell you about Spencer.

You may think you’ve waited a long time. But let’s face it, so did I.  I was thirty-three.

It seems to me I discovered what “I Love You” really means. It means I put you and your interests and your comfort ahead of my own interests and my own comfort because I love you.

I love you.

What does this mean?

Think. 

We use this expression very carelessly.  

LOVE has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get – only with what you are expecting to give – which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and you cannot help giving. If you are very lucky, you may be loved back. That is delicious but it does not necessarily happen. It really implies total devotion. And total is all-encompassing – the good of you, the bad of you. I am aware that I must include the bad.            

I loved Spencer Tracy.  

He and his interests and his demands came first. This was not easy for me because I was definitely a me me me person. It was a unique feeling that I had for Spencer. I would have done anything for him. My feelings – how can you describe them? – the door between us was always open. There were no reservations of any kind. He didn’t like this or that. I changed this or that. They might have been qualities which I personally valued. It did not matter. I changed them.  Food – we ate what he liked.  We did what he liked.  We lived a life which he liked. This gave me great pleasure. The thought that this was pleasing him. Certainly I had not felt this way with my other beaux. I was looking for them to please me. It is a very different relationship. It’s like a wonderful cocktail party. But it ain’t love….There is an enormous difference between “love” and “like”.  Usually we use the word “love” when we really mean “like”.  I  think that very few people ever mean love. I think that “like” is a much easier relationship. It is based on sense. Love – a blind spot.

“Me: Stories of My Life”, Katharine Hepburn

====================================================

Katharine Hepburn has always been one of my heroes. She played the Hollywood game and beat it down every time, and in doing so, earned the respect of practically everyone there. She also lived her life according to her own rules and never settled or compromised to anyone else’s wishes.

 

KATHARINE HEPBURN IN LOS ANGELES

I read the aforementioned book years ago and this quote, on Hepburn’s relationship to Spencer Tracy always stuck with me as something very insightful and true especially about actually meaning “like” when very often people say “love”.

 Love-vs-like
Now, some people may read the quote and think that’s about female subjugation and being submissive to “The Man”…again, and I would have to respectfully disagree. What Hepburn is saying is that true love is complete exception-making, not out of duty, not out of obligation, not out of guilt, not out of power or need, but rather a very conscious choice, because it makes you deliriously happy to finally get out of yourself and put someone else ahead of you with no expectations whatsoever.  It goes beyond economic and material needs. At that point it, becomes self-actualized love on an emotional and spiritual level.
CAPITALISM KILLS (LOVE)
I think it’s hard for many people in this day and age to get that drift. I’ll be blunt when I say I think capitalism has very nearly destroyed any vestige of selflessness. Relationships, and more specifically marriage, have become transactional where it’s about (and I’m speaking in very generalized terms) economic security and gathering resources for women and children and secured access to sex for men. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.
Therefore men who have the most resources can secure the most desirable women who can give them the most sex and women put themselves through torture to become impossible ideals of beauty to secure a mate who can provide for them (hence the Sugar Daddy phenomena, old balding dudes with comb-overs in a Porsche with a girl who looks like a grand-daughter supermodel) .
Anthony Hopkins playing a sugar daddy, with Lucy Punch in "You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger"

Anthony Hopkins playing a sugar daddy, with Lucy Punch in “You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger”

I personally think that whole ideology is repulsive…and sad… too many people lying to themselves. I think the writer who most brings that message home, in all it’s ugliness to its logical conclusion is French bad boy writer and the scourge of the European literati and intelligentsia, Michel Houellebecq, especially in “The Elementary Particles”.
Michel Houellebecq, one of the most brutally honest , but twisted minds out there.

Michel Houellebecq, one of the most brutally honest , but twisted minds out there.

Houellebecq, not unlike his predecessor,  Louis-Ferdinand Celine, is a highly damaged individual but his vision is crystal clear and terrifying…and brutally honest: if you bring economics and talk from the factory floor, into love and relationships (i.e love takes work), like the market economy, there will be very few winners and many, many losers as well.
This is what makes me chuckle about economists and other social theorists; they always forget about the “wildcard factor”, they always forget about the emotional and spiritual dimension to any of their arguments. And quite often, I think, it’s that emotional and spiritual dimension, which either makes things work splendidly…or fail spectacularly. It’s also the very thing which makes things run smoothly in the long run, that’s where the fuel comes from.
FullTankOfGas
I’ve seen this a few times now, where people I knew got married to partners, who on paper and in theory were “perfect”. Similar educational backgrounds, same cultural references and centers of identification, even looked very similar to one another.
When former supermodel Christie Brinkley married for the third time to architect Peter Cook, everyone thought "Third time's the charm" since they looked so good together. Wrong. Cook cheated on Brinkley with a local teenager and what ensued was one of the messiest, nastiest divorces the normally-jaded Hamptons has seen in years.

When former supermodel Christie Brinkley married for the fourth time to architect Peter Cook, everyone thought  it would finally work since they looked so good together and hung in the same circles. Wrong. Cook cheated on Brinkley with a local teenager and what ensued was one of the messiest, nastiest divorces the normally jaded Hamptons has seen in years.

But after a couple of years, the marriage slides into inertia or the differences, which were once so interesting have now become so unbearable that ending it is the only available option.
WellDUH-99696669708
I might be a Pollyanna but I don’t think love “takes work”. I think it should be as insanely easy as play. I also think, if people were more honest with themselves, they would know right away if it’s really a case of “love” or “like” or “lust”. Love makes you stronger, not weaker. Love makes you happy, not tortured. Love makes you feel secure and at peace, not fearful and paranoid or jealous. Love gives you courage, not doubt. Love opens your eyes wider and makes you want to share your love with others, not hide it selfishly. Love is expansive, not restrictive.
Most of all, love heals, it is a balm.
Rumi-loves-rests-on-no-foundation
Categories: Ascension, Pop culture, Raise your EQ, Shift of the Ages effects, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Valentine’s Day is for the Hard of Hearing

no_valentines_day
I really hate Valentine’s Day.
Even when I am in a relationship, I hate it.
The cheap chocolates,
chocolate_hearts
The tacky red and pink hearts everywhere,
Valentines-Cupcakes-Spinkle-Jello
The way restaurants, spas and hotels deliberately boost their prices that week and the way my local wine outlet mysteriously has no sales going on that week.
I find the whole thing to be contrived and another stupid scam to convince people to buy stuff they don’t really need in order to “show someone you care.”
And to the Corporate Man behind all this, I say, “Fuck you.”
Seriously, you know how you show someone you care?
First of all, it’s not just about February 14th. It’s not a date on the calendar. It’s a state of mind.
february_14_valentines_day_calendar
It’s not by buying cheap heart-shaped Hershey chocolates wrapped in red tin foil.
It’s by just being a friend and being present for them when they need you.
WoodstockPerfectFriend
It’s by taking him out for a few rounds of pool when you know he’s had a bad day and not badger him with questions until he’s ready to talk about it.
image001-(6)
It’s by secretly sowing seeds for wild violets all over the yard so come springtime, she’s in for a surprise. Why? Because she mentioned that violets are her favorite flower while you both were on a weekend drive last summer.
yaddo
It’s not by buying some generic cookie-cutter diamond ring. It’s by boning up on Art Nouveau/Art Deco because you found “Art Nouveau/Art Deco Jewelry” one day on your Google search bar.
It’s by wishing him an awesome time if he decides to go to the pro-sports game with his buddies, even if you hate pro-sports yourself.
maxresdefault
In short, it’s about PAYING ATTENTION AND LISTENING.
That’s how you show someone you care. Seriously, the biggest turn-off there is, is being with someone who isn’t paying any attention to you, doesn’t really hear anything you say because they’re too involved in themselves and too busy listening to the internal dialogue going on in their own minds and too busy figuring out what they want without a moment’s consideration of what you may really want or need. I think people forget relationships are two-lane roads.
 boy-girl-xbox
It’s not just Valentine’s Day either. It’s dating and relationships in general as well.
Even if you’re not interested, there are people who can’t seem to pick up a clue. I’ve tried online dating in the past with mixed results. The biggest problem is that (and I’m writing from a female perspective) men don’t really read profiles. They look at pictures, think you’re half-decent looking and send mini messages like “Hi” and clearly did not demonstrate that they even remotely paid any attention whatsoever to what you wrote.
You can write “No kids” and a balding divorcee saddled in alimony debt with three kids suddenly pops on your screen. (If he doesn’t pay any attention to what you wrote on your online profile, do you really think he’s going to pay any genuine attention to you in real life?….)
This video has  many examples of this type of self-delusion or one-way hearing:
 
Even if you do decide to take the risk and meet someone for coffee, they still don’t get it. One time I met someone and it was pretty clear from my profile I’m not into “Casual Encounters”. We met for coffee for a quick 30 minute meet’n greet to suss each other out, found out we had a lot in common, nice guy, pretty good-looking, interesting but no personal chemistry whatsoever but I could see this person becoming a friend. We exchanged a couple of emails sharing information based on the topics we talked about when we met, mostly about music. There was no discussion of anything even remotely intimate or physical.
Not even three days later, I suddenly get a phone call AND a text message at 2:38am. I had my ringer off because I actually have a job I have to go to and need to wake up early for so I slept right through it but in the morning when I saw the messages, it was fairly obvious dude expected a late-night booty call. He tried calling first and since I didn’t answer, he then sent a text message asking “to make plans” for the next evening.
Really?
At 2:38am?
In the middle of the week?
Can’t “making plans for the next evening” wait until the morning?
Clearly not.
super_funny_hilarious_pictures_crazy_fun_laughing_idiots-4238
This is what I mean about not listening properly.
Dude did not “hear” that that there was no chemistry on my side.
Dude was too involved with his hormones to really understand that not everyone is on the same page as he is.
Dude just naturally assumed that because he wanted something from me, I would therefore just as naturally and automatically want the same thing from him too and that just wasn’t the case. He assumed too much and he blew it. We could have been friends. Who knows? Maybe he would have gotten that booty call later on if the friendship eventually caught on fire in the fullness of time. We’ll never know and I don’t care.
That’s one thing I love about getting older, you start seeing through people much better and much faster.
toon2-maxine_patience
Which is why I think Valentine’s Day is a formulaic shortcut for lazies who normally can’t even be bothered.
This Valentine’s Day, I’m going for a session of ear candling, to improve my hearing.
I wish more people would do the same.
ear-candling
Links:
Categories: Pop culture, Raise your EQ, This is why the planet is screwed up | Tags: , , , | 20 Comments

The Speedy are often Needy

vlcsnap-2012-09-19-15h47m11s216

(Note: NSFW links included below)

I’ve been watching the hit HBO show “Girls” and cannot get over how thoroughly disagreeable the characters in the show really are. Narcissistic, self-involved, entitled and shallow beyond belief, the show follows the trials and tribulations of a group of four young, 20-something girls right after college graduation in a post-economic recovery New York City (specifically Brooklyn) as they try getting their foot in the door of life, professionally, socially and romantically.

promo, through HBO canada.

The “Girls”: (left to right) Marnie, Jessa, Hannah and Shoshanna

Think of it as a poor-man’s “Sex and the City” with less-attractive guys and realistic clothes and much-less emotionally mature girls. The show has been gaining accolades for it’s “realistic depiction” of the lives of girls in this specific demographic group but also for the frequency which homely looking, obsessive-compulsive lead character Hannah (played by Lena Dunham, who also created, produces, directs and writes for the show) strips down completely and shows off her Rubenesque figure. Which is often. There’s also the more raw sex scenes and frank discussions of sexual play between the girls and boys. (For the record, I don’t think the nudity is the big deal here, in fact I applaud it because Hanna/Lena’s body is NOT a conventional Hollywood body but one which more women can relate to and accept and the public backlash from men in particular is exactly why there needs to be more of this kind body-acceptance instead of the constant showing of body-types most women can never relate to or have. My gripe is how horrible these personalities are.)

Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham

 I admit, it is a tad addictive to watch, much like a train-wreck.  You want to look away but you just can’t. However, more than once I’ve thrown up my hands in the air in frustration and thought  “That’s just never going to happen in real life.” In one episode Hannah randomly hooks up with an Adonis-like recently separated doctor (played by the Adonis-like Patrick Wilson, in season 2 episode 5). I mean she literally walks into his amazing and perfectly decorated brownstone and ends up spending a whole dirty weekend with him.
This never happens in real life. Like, ever.

Hannah and the doctor. This never happens in real life. Like, ever.

What really gets me is how random the sex is. I mean the girls in some cases don’t even exchange more than 20 words with the guy and suddenly they’re at it. They then complain afterwards when the guys don’t treat them like precious fine-bone china-dolls afterwards.
hannah-girls-monkey-meat
Now, I’m not an adamant feminist but I do think there is a direct correlation between how much people respect you to how much you respect yourself. The more you respect yourself, the more people will respect you and that can take many, many forms. I mean hardly anyone these days, talks about respect in a serious and meaningful way anymore (outside of customer service) . What dawns on anyone after watching the show is just how empty and emotionally confused and vapid these girls and boys really are. That somehow by having as many sexual conquests as possible, that will increase your own sense of desirability and *that* will somehow fulfill you and make people respect you and like you….and unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.
respect1
I remember a few years ago, shock-jock radio personality Howard Stern  interviewed  Sweet Connie Hamzy, a notorious rock groupie who has been involved with just about anyone and everyone. She had been recounting her various escapades and with whom and honestly….it just sounded sad and tragic. It didn’t sound empowering or strong or happy even though that’s how she was trying desperately to come across as.
Sweet Connie Hamzy

Sweet Connie Hamzy

 After watching “Girls”, you also come away realizing how completely needy these women are. It reminds me of something a friend of mine once said, that the speedy are often needy. People who move in fast for the kill are often extremely needy and clingy and I’ve seen it over and over again in  relationship horror stories involving friends and their partners.
493
I mean, like a gourmet meal, the best things in life take time to build. If something is truly yours, you can never truly lose it and if you are afraid of losing it by being too fast, that’s the sign right there it’s not really yours to have in the first place, no?
1670
Categories: Ascension, Pop culture, Raise your EQ, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Water Always Seeks its Own Level

Havasu waterfalls, Arizona

Havasu waterfalls, Arizona

Has this ever happened to any of you, where you find yourself reading something and somehow find yourself attracted to the mind and personality behind the words?

This has only happened to me twice, once with Alan Watts (but given the way he loved women and women loved him right back, that’s really not very surprising) and the second time with Scottish historian , William Dalrymple.
William Dalrymple, probably the coolest historian in the world right now.

William Dalrymple, probably the coolest historian in the world right now.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into him or anything. In the great tradition of intrepid English travel writers, he has that foppish, slovenly air about him. An unabashed Indophile and Islamophile (he lives 6 months out of the year in Old Delhi with his lovely wife Olivia and their kids), I first encountered Dalrymple when I read his first book “In Xanadu” where he followed the footsteps of Venetian merchant Marco Polo and like Polo, he took holy oil from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem and then travelled overland via the ancient Silk Route and Central Asia to Xanadu, the summer palace of Mongol emperor Kublai Khan in Inner Mongolia.
The book...

In Xanadu, the book…

The mythical Pleasure Dome, a part of the Xanadu palace.

The mythical Pleasure Dome, a part of the Xanadu palace.

Polo gifted the holy oil to the great Khan and Dalrymple poured out the oil over the ruins since that’s all that’s left of Xanadu these days. I know, it sounds extravagant, impractical and pretentious but completely adventurous and wildly romantic at the same time, combining erudition, history, myth and cultural anthropology…and exactly the sort of thing I would sign up for in a heartbeat.
All that's left of the ancient palace is a bit of rubble.

All that’s left of the ancient palace is a bit of rubble.

Aside from just being an amazing historian and whose writings are positively delicious in their detail and scope, Dalrymple represents one of a handful of Western public intellectuals who strive to look for the commonality amongst different people and their ways as opposed to looking for the “clashes of civilizations“, which other negatively fixated (and xenophobic) public intellectuals seem to always stress and then use to infect the public discourse of these issues, say like Samuel Huntington or that diabolical dinosaur, Bernard Lewis.
Bernard Lewis = classic example of an academic shyster

Bernard Lewis = classic example of an academic shyster

I bring up the qualities of Dalrymple and his ilk because I had a funny incident this past weekend. A buddy of mine and I went out for a drink after attending a dinner party we both were invited to. Now, buddy is a nice enough lady and a real knock-out of a brunette (she could easily pass as Brooke Shields’ younger cousin)  but at 36, she is positively freaking out and looking for a “life-partner” and seems to always be scoping out every room we walk into. She’s pretty frantic about this stuff now and I keep telling her to tone down the over-enthusiastic vibe she gives off because it can easily be misread as desperation, a turn-off for most people. Not that she listened, because she made a bee-line for a blonde dude at the bar and started chatting him up and later found out that he’s 28 and he kept talking about video games and gaming for 30 minutes, much to her chagrin.
Not really them but you get the idea.

Not really them but you get the idea.

I belong to the school of thought where a person should really honest-to-God figure out what they want and what they DON’T want first, what are their non-negotiables because if you don’t know what you want, then who knows?
innsbruck-patcherkofel
I don’t think anyone should ever settle for anything less than what they truly want and I believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with finding love later in life, particularly if values like spiritual and emotional maturity are important to you (there are always exceptions to every rule, some sleek young bucks are old souls, it’s true it happens).  In the meantime, I think the safest bet is to focus on making yourself to be the person you want to be and become the person which will attract another who has those qualities you really need and want in your life.
Recipe for disaster if you ask me.

Recipe for disaster if you ask me.

I know that places me in a marginalized minority particularly in this let’s-beat-the-biological-clock-and-accumulate-lots-of-stuff-culture but when I see that I’ll-grab-anything-I-can-get mentality, I can’t help but shake my head at all the mismatched unions, bad marriages, headaches and heartaches which have come out of this obsession with time and physical expediency…and convenience.
Like I wrote, water always seeks its own level,  I just wished more people figured out what their own levels were.
07e3f2f8-d325-4517-9cd6-3024ea52fcef.1.10
Categories: Politico, Pop culture, Raise your EQ, Travels | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The Love of Swans

One of my bosses is drop-dead gorgeous beautiful.
I mean one of those annoyingly handsome men who looks like he belongs on the cover of some Harlequin Romance novel (for my UK readers, that would be Mills and Boon books).

hrnovel-cover

Salt and pepper hair (more salt), long black eye-lashes which ring around the most ungodly blue-grey eyes I’ve ever seen. Full, lush mouth, a profile which belongs on a Roman coin, an easy smile and the most perfectly shaped hands which look like Michelangelo himself chiseled out of marble. He even has one of those hyper-masculine names which could easily have come out of a soap opera like General Hospital, something like Brock McPherson or Reg Davenport. I can appreciate and observe his beauty, it goes no further than that but I find it amusing to watch how breathless female staff become when he’s around.

Not quite.

Not quite.

Sometimes I have to use his office and work at his desk. I see the pictures he has prominently displayed of his wife, pictures of her dancing while heavily pregnant, pictures of his 2 little boys at soccer practice, pictures of his wife posing provocatively in a bikini, pictures of the two of them smooching on secluded tropical beaches, smooching on ski trips in the Alps, smooching in front of a fireplace. It’s obvious he worships her and that they are deeply and passionately in love with each other and I think that’s just awesome.

Doc's picture's are almost as hot as this one.

Boss’ pictures are almost as hot as this one.

It made me realize, this is what to aim for, the good guy, not the nice guy, (because sometimes in the course of being good, you can’t always be nice) and certainly not the dross and detritus that I see trying to pass themselves off as some sort of “catch”.

Dating nightmares.

Dating nightmares.

Several of my friends have recently come off of using online dating sites and the stories they tell me are either hilarious, flat-out gross or sad. It would seem now there is a whole host of new kinds of statuses, “Single but attached” now means someone who is poly-amorous, “Attached but looking” is basically a married dude who is a swinger looking for no-strings attached sex. All these labels, all these people searching, searching, searching and for what? A new set of pipes and plumbing systems to explore which will somehow lead them through the backdoor into someone’s heart and soul? The involuntary contraction of a few muscles which induces a momentary illusion of happiness? It doesn’t make any sense to me to invest all that time and energy for such a limited thing when there are far too many other fantastic things to explore on this planet.

I watched this documentary on polyamory, and I have to say, they spend ALL their time talking such rot and rubbish that it's enough to induce a headache for the rest of your God-given life

I watched this documentary on polyamory, and I have to say, they spend ALL their time talking such rot and rubbish that it’s enough to induce a headache for the rest of your God-given life

I have noticed that there is a certain trend emerging in dating circles these days. There seems to be a hyper-intellectualization going on of sexuality. Now, what people do in the privacy of their bedrooms is their business. If licking eyeballs is your thing or if nostril sex or ear sex is the next step after you’ve explored all other options, all the power to you.  My observation is that for all this novelty,  none of this stuff is making people any happier.

eyeball2

When I look at a person, I don’t just pay attention to what they say and do. I look at the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. When I get talking to some people, I often detect those strong intellects which they then use to justify whatever they do but I don’t detect any authentic emotional happiness or spiritual joy. What I do usually come across is a certain lacking, a sadness, depression and loneliness and the intellectualization of their lifestyle choices to hide the depression and loneliness.

Maybe hipsters are often depressed because every neighborhood they infect with their presence usually results in sky-high rents and overpriced coffee and sandwiches.

Maybe hipsters are often depressed because every neighborhood they infect with their presence usually results in sky-high rents, and overpriced coffee and sandwiches. They should get out of themselves more often.

One of my most prized possessions is a “Thank You” letter I received from one of my all-time heroes Katharine Hepburn. When she turned 90, I had flowers sent to her home in Old Saybrook, Connecticut which I ordered from the florist there and dictated a letter to them which they took over the phone and delivered. She sent her note on her own personal stationary which has her full given name printed across the top “Katharine Houghton Hepburn”. It hangs framed over my desk.

Note my letter but same, exact letterhead

Not my letter but same, exact letterhead

I admire Hepburn because she played the game of her life and Hollywood according to her own rules. After her 27-year relationship with Spencer Tracy ended with his death, she was never with anyone else ever again. In that way, it reminds me of swans who mate for life. There’s a certain, rare kind of dignified beauty in that kind of spiritual depth and emotional maturity, something which I don’t see in online dating ads anywhere these days, that’s for sure.

Swans

Categories: Ascension, Pop culture, Raise your EQ, Shift of the Ages effects, This is why the planet is screwed up | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

Consider Rejection to be the Kiss of Freedom

An apt representation of highly insecure men in marriage.

An apt representation of highly insecure men in marriage.

Did you ever have those conversations with someone which suddenly makes you look at something under a totally new light?
I was talking to a friend this past week who’s been married 20 years to her high-school sweetheart and the past 4 years have been rocky but there’s a kid involved as well as investments so she compromised and gets by…barely. She was describing something which I have also noticed and heard about in other relationships, how her partner doesn’t like it if she’s out of the house for too long, if she wants a few days to herself, he causes a stink. Or even if she wants to spend the afternoon with a girlfriend at a coffee shop, how he starts calling or texting her within an hour wanting to know when she’s coming home. How he basically, literally just wants her physically in the house all the time or when he’s there.

Um...why do men get scared by something as simple as this?

Um…why do men get scared by something as simple as this?

This blew my mind. Both are highly educated professionals yet dude is still acting like a caveman in terms of her personal time and space? Why are men still hung up on this sort of power-trip? Moreover why do men use their partners like some sort of security blanket like Linus in the Peanuts gang did?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

She then told me to cherish my freedom, develop my other interests and to never rush into anything and how she wished she had waited longer before getting seriously involved with someone and that marriage before the age of 30 should be outlawed.

I want to learn how to take old unwanted industrial items like pallets and repurpose them into practical, beautiful things. From 1001pallets.com

I want to learn how to take old unwanted industrial items like pallets and repurpose them into practical, beautiful things. From 1001pallets.com

I thought long and hard after our exchange mostly because the timing of it coincided with my elderly father, a widower, taking a nasty fall this week at a subway station. Luckily a very kind nurse who was on her way home, saw what happened and helped him stay propped up and immediately called the ambulance and then called my brother and I using his cell phone. He’s fine now but it got me thinking about who would have been there to fill in the important details to the doctors and stay with him in the hospital if he didn’t marry and have children and take the time to build those relationships. How do you weigh building community and meaningful relationships while not disrespecting and dishonoring your own freedom? Is that even possible within the context of a marriage anymore?

wedding-question-mark
Having said that, FaceBook, YouTube, Twitter and Google have got the be the best things ever to hit regret.
I guess like all girls out there, you’re always curious about some people in your past, wondering what happened to them, old boyfriends, girls who were mean to you in high school, your best friend from the second grade. Now it’s easy as pie to look up anyone on the face of this Earth. I come from probably the last generation of teens and young adults to have experienced the world before the Internet and social media. In fact, I used to write letters by hand and send greeting cards in the mail (remember those?).

Back in the day...

Back in the day…

I came across a YouTube clip of an old boyfriend, probably my first serious one. I remember being devastated when it ended, how the sky was falling, how I wasn’t hungry and barely ate for weeks, listening to silly love songs over and over again on my Sony Walkman, how I didn’t think I would ever meet anyone or love anyone as beautiful as he was. All the usual high-drama stuff we put ourselves through especially at the ripe old age of 18.

Been there, done that. Bought the stupid T-shirt too.

Been there, done that. Bought the stupid T-shirt too. It doesn’t fit anymore.

Well, he looked awful.
Long-gone was the stunning, lean, mean rockabilly badboy with the black hair, flashing green eyes and diabolical smile. Instead, there was some guy with the beginnings of a double-chin, a major gut, ugly tattoos all over his forearms, and from what I understand, is now the father of five. I also saw a whole bunch of irritating mannerisms which my 18 year old brain failed to pick up at the time which now I see as fairly obvious. I felt happy to be free.

Yeah, I wish. But no.

Yeah, I wish. But no.

This then led to a John-Cusack-in-“High-Fidelity”-moment where I decided to check up on every guy I ever crushed on or lusted after, out of curiosity. (I have to admit, I’m not a nostalgic person about past relationships. If it’s gone, it’s gone and deader than a doorknob. However, I can be an incorrigible and inquisitive snoop and gatherer of gossip just for the fun of it.)

High Fidelity

I won’t give a low-down of every single bit of information I found but suffice to say I really think I have been spared in some way. Most are slightly overweight suburban dads with bloated faces and beer guts. Half are now bald or with rapidly receding hairlines. One is a very well-known documentary film maker who is still alone at the age of 58, the eternal bachelor. One battled alcoholism and it really shows. I guess the married ones must be happy or else why would they stay married? But given what my friend said, and the many similar relationships I’ve noticed over the years, you really have to wonder who is the happy one here, the guy or the gal?

How I feel now.

How I feel now.

I used to think rejection was some kind of judgement against me. Now I’m beginning to see that when things don’t work out, consider it a slight shove from the Universe in pushing you out of the way of an oncoming train wreck, that it wants you to wait and is giving you the gift of time to develop other gifts as well as your own ability to discern with maturity. We don’t always hear that message in a youth and speed-obsessed culture like ours but it’s one, I think, we’d all be better off heeding.

Here’s a lyric from New Order’s song, “Regret”  which sort of encapsulates what I mean. (MRB, this one is for you)

Maybe I’ve forgotten the name and the address
Of everyone I’ve ever known
It’s nothing I regret
Save it for another day
It’s the school exam and the kids have run away

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

I was upset you see
Almost all the time
You used to be a stranger
Now you are mine

Categories: Ascension, Ch-ch-ch-changes, Pop culture, Raise your EQ | Tags: , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.