So where have I been?
So as I indicated in my most recent blog post, I have been missing in action for several years now from this blog. I think about taking down my blog altogether sometimes because I am quite frankly not even sure if anyone reads it anymore but then I see that several of my blog posts are still making the rounds on Facebook and social media years after they have been written and figure they must be of some benefit to some people.
So where have I been? Mostly burnout, healing, re calibrating and traveling and in exactly that order.
One thing that I know for sure is that even if you do believe that there is a spiritual reality underneath all of this, for real healing to take place, you have to do it stages.
Many folks in the New Age, spiritual community and this is something which has always driven me crazy about them, is that they have the mistaken belief that if they do a spiritual ritual like doing a sweat lodge, get into yoga, or visiting a shaman, then all is fine and they are “healed”. Or doing something crazy like standing on one foot, naked, on a full moon night, on top of a hill, at the stroke of midnight, while carrying a crystal in their left palm, repeating the names of the Goddess 13 times(<— I never did that , for the record) , that they have been “healed” of whatever it was that was bothering them without ever addressing the emotional and mental stages in between.
You cannot go from the physical to the spiritual in one shot, and bypass the emotional. You MUST address the emotional before the spiritual. It is like learning basic arithmetic in elementary school and then thinking that you can somehow do differential calculus bypassing algebra and trigonometry completely. Just not possible. And that’s exactly what I did.
Burnout from work led me to taking almost 18 months off from work (with pay – hurrah for unions and union benefits!) which then led me to finding an extremely talented and amazing psychotherapist and that is when a whole lot of things became uncovered and the missing jigsaw puzzle pieces were finally discovered and put into place.
I did a lot of reading. I mean A LOT. On trauma, complex PTSD, Narcissist Personality Disorder, healing from trauma, identifying patterns of abuse. I realized that what I thought was OK before really wasn’t and learning to undo thinking around what passed as acceptable. Meaning I would figure something out in therapy and then, like the geek that I am, look it up at the library, read what others went through and felt in similar circumstances and then realize that there is one giant common playbook out there for the evil people of this world.
At one point, I started reading Law of Attraction stuff and in particular the work of Ester and Jerry Hicks. I started listening to their recorded talks and videos on Youtube (where they number in the thousands). It all sounded nice but that psychic “click” didn’t happen. I even went down to Boston to listen to Ester Hicks and was in the front row, literally a few feet away from her.
I was able to connect the dots in ways I was not able to before but I was also able to see a lot more brokenness and biases in others that I did not notice before. I had to write off a whole whack of people. It is never easy to realize that people who may call themselves as a friend actually are not and that their evasiveness and their self-dishonesty is a form of manipulation and manipulation is ultimately all about control and that they may have their own agendas even if it’s not overtly mentioned.
I learned quite a few more things about trauma of any kind, particularly if it is emotional trauma and abuse. If it happened to you as a kid or a young adolescent and if that initial injury was never taken care of professionally (yes with a good therapist) , that on a subconscious level, you find yourself gravitating towards relationships with people where the same dynamics are constantly replicated because again, on a subconscious level each of these new relationships are “your chance” to get back at the initial injury.
So let us use an example (not my case but just an example). Say you had a father who was gay, deeply closeted, never came out, not even to himself, let alone his family. He was manipulative, secretive, a control freak and drank like a fish and beat you and your siblings up. You grew up in an atmosphere of something deeply oppressive, physically abusive and there was no emotional transparency or openness. You never went to see a counselor or therapist about any of this stuff because it is something that stays in the family. You took that abuse and learned to internalize it. The emotional wounds are still there though, open and bleeding.
You grow up and you move on. At the back of your mind as you grow up, you know something is wrong but you’re never quite sure of what. You can’t define but you feel it. So you get into all sorts of things like yoga, crystal healing, keto diet, long-distance running, angelic healings etc. All the while, on a subconscious level, you want to make sure that what happened to you as a kid never happens again and that you will make sure it “happens differently this time”, you end up with friends, lovers, spouses, bosses who share the same qualities as your dad or have the same energies of the atmosphere you grew up in. Again, I stress that this is all happening subconsciously, you are not actively looking for these types of persons in your life but they always somehow get there.
Long story short, I figured out what my personal open wounds were and went about cleaning them out and closing them, and that’s when a lot of things changed. I got a much better job, with far more interesting and nicer bosses and co-workers. I spent 2 months in Europe this past year, a few weeks in Italy, France and the UK and a whole month in Greece. I visited some holy sites and some unholy sites which I’ll be blogging about later including Assisi, Eremo delle Carceri (St.Francis’s hermitage and caves), Vatican City, The Basilica of St. Paul Outside the Walls, Stonehenge, Avebury, The Sanctuary of the Gods, Meteora, Delphi, Athens.
Remember I spoke about not getting the psychic “click” when going over the Law of Attraction. Well, once the healing happened and all these great things started happening that is when I finally “got it”. You can only really attract whatever you have on the inside. I had to clean up and heal before I could go forward and the burnout was the sign I had to stop whatever I was doing to look after this other stuff.
That kind of stuff takes time. You can’t rush it and you certainly can’t force it to happen.